Aggression to Self Care

Concrete Experience

When covid struck, I was a little insecure as my work as a consultant in a chain of schools ended. I had 2 choices, take a break and float or take the job offer from edtech that came. I chose the job, even though something told me ‘be careful’. I chose this after refusing it a number of times when the manager told me that he would give me the air cover of security. But then it rarely happened. The manager could not give the cover, I gave his project my best as that is how I work and finally I ended up with a heart break. This was my concrete experience (McLeod, 17).


Reflective Observations

Why did I choose to work full time? (Celestine, 21) My physiological needs are well met but the sense of safety is missing in my life. This is because I do not relate to the eco system that I live in. This insecurity and need for another eco system drove me to take up full time work assuming that I would feel safe in the new eco system. However, not having the skills of living in a group led to difficulties despite my best attempts. My emotional issues lead to unhealthy boundaries (Gregory, 2018) and I get pulled into situations where I should not be.


Abstract Conceptualization

I feel that I need to finally accept some hard facts about myself. My needs for safety, belongingness and trust have not been met in my life (Celestine, 21) and they step up in each situation where I find myself with others. Eco systems affect me more than others due to this weakness. Some may call it low emotional quotient. So I take time to come back from experiences that shake me. My main stay is my meditation, reflections and reading/writing. I need time for myself. Taking a full time job in an aggressive fast paced set up is not the right way for me, even if it is itching to be the leading organization in the world.


Application

(McLeod, 17) It is not enough to have experiences. One also needs to allow them to transform oneself. One needs to absorb, assimilate them and extract learning from them. My need for growth and self actualization overrules everything else in my life (Celestine, 21). The eco systems that favour it are welcome while others are not. However I have not yet understood the connection between the need and the present reality. Running from eco systems is not the way. Adapting to them is the way. I have finally accepted that I do not belong in this space. I have requested the manager to transit me as a consultant. I also do not look up to him as a mentor but a manager and nothing more. I need to set boundaries, listen to others, avoid judgment, communicate well and be my authentic self at all times (Gregory, 2018). Tall goals, but these are the goals that sustain me and hence in full understanding of myself, I make the shift out of self care.